I never dreamt I would cry over mushrooms. What a silly thing. And yet tonight, with the first treasures of the season protected in my hand, my heart broke a little more and tears smeared my sight.
We are an outdoorsy family and mushrooming is a favorite activity—a sure sign of spring and fun. Time to spend together at the place we all love best. Logan and Cassidy try to make it home during mushroom season, as did Coop when he wasn’t living here. Their first mushrooming excursions were in a backpack baby carrier. Later, they packed cap guns for “hunting” mushrooms, and tried to teach Isabel the beagle to put her hound tendencies to use toward the cause. The hours in the woods were some of our best times, and we have hours and years ahead of us. Altered. After.
Today was another first—our first time mushrooming After. I was apprehensive; so far, everything I loved and enjoyed in the Before has been altered, diminished, in the After. We lost Cooper and we continue to leech pleasure. I’m so very tired of once-joyous activities turning tedious or tortuous.
Today was rough.
I’m usually childlike in my anticipation for mushroom season and squeal with delight at my first find. Today, I was the last to pick a mushroom and I just didn’t care. I couldn’t focus—my eyes and my mind were blurred. I was distracted by the past. In each new spot, I could feel Cooper’s calm presence, hear his teasing words when he spotted a mushroom before I did. I tripped over memories, stumbled over phrases, and cursed our tragedy.
Having loved something Before doesn’t guarantee I will find joy in it After. I wish it were so simple.
I think I still love mushrooming. I know I still love Cooper and I miss him beyond imagining. I am working so hard to reconcile these emotions, to find a way to let love and sadness, peace and abject sorrow, and, somehow, joy coexist in my heart. Working hard doesn’t seem to be enough, but it’s one thing in my control.
In a few days I’ll be tromping around the timber again. Maybe that time I’ll do better. Better at keeping it together, better at finding mushrooms and joy, better at focusing on the good—both past and present. I will try. Yoda said, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Nothing against the wise little dude, but I call bullshit on this one. Trying is the best I can do.
Woods Writes 